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When we wish to make a change in our lives, we prepare. We make a plan, a plan that allows some movement, is not entirely set in stone. We take time to look at where we have support, and where we may need to gain support. Once we know what kind of support we have, we want to set up some time lines, to start, to check in, and to complete. And then GET GOING! We are almost all capable of spurts of energy. This is the GO GO GO where we can make BIG change in small amounts of time. On the edge of letting it all go, struggling with the fear of leaving you behind Knowing that I can not stay at this place. Feeling guilt because I want to live and it feels as though If I step off, and get better, If I step off and live my life That it means I am leaving you behind… Didactic Group was interesting today. I decided to do a group on being Rigorously honest. So I entered the room completely ready to take it on and see where we as a group could go with this topic. No I did not have a lecture, I had a topic and a mission, although the mission is never clear to me, the mission becomes clear as we as a group begin to venture out into the topic. “What does it mean”, I asked. “They tell us we have to be rigorously honest, yet do we really know what it means to be honest, let alone rigorously honest?” I look around at my half interested group, and see some strange, yet serious looks staring back at me. Finally someone speaks up and brings a beautiful analogy to the forefront. He says, “the difference between truth and honesty is this, a man and a woman pull into a motel, and they go in and the desk clerk says to them,” we only rent rooms to married couples. Are you married”, the man asks. The man and woman look at each other and then they look at the desk clerk and they say, “yes”. The couple were truthful as they were both married, just not to each other. This couple were not being honest.” Two of my guys took off this morning right before I got to work. It is tough to loose them, it is tough as I have come to know them and really appreciate them and their struggle. I hope I never loose that space in my heart, where I care for each and every one of my clients. Its a space where emotion lives, where curiosity and honesty and courage all reside all tied up and wrapped up around each other. Entangled in a webbing of deep knowing that my soul knows, I can only glimpse for at it for a fleeting second in time, and know there is no wrong, no right, only that there is what is before me in this moment. I wanna say stay, but I know that i don’t know. I know that there is nothing I can do, but watch, quietly watch and wait and wonder if there will be a better time, or if there will be another time when change will come full circle. When life will mean something different for them. When living without the drug will make more sense than living with it. Today was a wild day in rehab, two left, two came back and one left, one went to the emergency room. Today it was a wild day. ~Cheryl I wonder why my phone is not ringing… I wonder why parents are not lining up, one after the other… When I was in my ummm 10th or 11th year of suffering, after many treatment centers, and several close calls. When I thought for the millionth time, that I just could not take any more of this insanity… I was ready. I began looking for help. I had given up on the counselors, and the therapists, I had been through a dozen or so by then. So, I am wondering, what do you think? Why aren’t you calling to get some help? Have you simply given up, and decided there is no help out here for you? Have you decided that you will spend the rest of your life suffering? I would love to hear from you! Post a note, or better yet, give me a call! Today I was thinking about my daughters. As some of you know, I have five daughters whom I love very much. Three of my daughters I am in contact with and see them on occasion, and feel comfortable calling them just about anytime on the phone, to day hello or ask them what they’re up to. I found myself unconsciously singing a song today about not having my children, and with all the work I do with my clients, I also do with myself. I began challenging the thoughts in my head- the song I was singing. Then I found myself changing the lyrics, to ones that are more appropriate, more truthful, “I haven’t seen a couple of my girls for awhile….” . I often times wake up wondering about them, wondering if I will ever see them here on this Earth or not. I wonder if I ought to do something about that, and then I wonder what I could do about that…. and I wonder if I really want to do anything about that. To tell you the truth, I am not sure I want to do anything… I am not certain that I care to have it any other way than how it is right now. I love them, and I know I love them. That is enough today. I don’t know if they love me, and I am not so sure that is important to me anymore. I know that it once was to me, I wanted them to love me, I did a lot of crazy things hoping that they would see all the wonderful things about me, and love me. What is important to me today is that they love themselves. That is what I think is important for them, is for them to love who they are today, that would be enough! I no longer have a need for them to love me- for me to feel like I am enough. I am finding my way in the world, in this new life of an adult with grown children, I am finding my place within the universe, and finding that as much as I like constant, the universe is not constant, it is always changing. The older I become, the quicker the Earth rotates. Every second and forth Tuesday evening the parents and loved ones gather at AlcoCare, Inc’s New Dawn Primary House and talk with one another, to hear a word, or something that Guy or I or another parent might utter that could possibly unravel the mystery of why. Why they are suffering, why their loved one is caught up in an addiction, so mysteriously painful, so insanely deceitful, so incredibly destructive. WHY? Even if we find the reason why, what can be done about it? How can we figure out this thing, this thing that apparently doesn’t seem to have an ending to it…it just continues, sometimes bringing us hope, sometimes dashing away all hopes. I sat there this last Tuesday, listening to the fear as one father spoke grasping for words to help him figure out what he was trying to say, trying to ask, trying desperately to figure out, rambling around and around, reminding me of myself not too long ago. Reminding me that there is not an answer, there is no simplicity, there is no way out, there isn’t really an ending that one would hope for. It is a path that winds around and around. There was for me, a detachment, something I did not want to make, something I fought off, until I could not fight any longer. Then there was a letting go, a releasing of the hopes I once held out. The dreams I had clung to for way too long a time. There was a peace, an inner peace and stillness that I came to. Not the way I wanted to, not the way I would of chosen it look, but at last I found some peace. I was lost, I was swirling in a deep dark tunnel going farther and farther away from life, from people who loved and cared about me, from my own hopes and dreams, from life itself. I was living in fear, and agony over my child’s addiction. I tried this and that and more of this and that, I talked, I cried, I begged, and nothing could change the course her life was taking. Nothing and no one I believe could of saved her from what was apparently going to happen for her in her life. I was resisting, I was fighting, I was struggling and was not getting anywhere. But sicker, and more frustrated, and emotionally bankrupt. I was now broken, I was now lost! I had a series of events happen, one after another… I found this reading in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a soft brush on my shoulder and a whisper in my ear, “all you have to do is love her, that is all”. I had a moment of complete and utter break down. I have had a few years of complete freedom from that pain and suffering I once endured. Nothing else has changed to any great degree outside of myself or with my daughter, nothing. The only thing that has changed is within me. I have decided to hang onto the thought and belief that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by accident. I am free to love my daughter, without needing her to change. I am free to love myself, nowing that I was not always the perfect mother, didn’t always make the “right” decision, sometimes I wasn’t there with the correct words at the correct moment that was perhaps thought of previously as the the right timing. I am exactly where I need to be today, and so is she. I have no understanding of why…I do not need to know why today. I am okay with what is. I am okay today to trust that there is a reason…there is something much greater than me, there is an answer and I do not have it. She does not have it. There is no accident, there is only what it is today, nothing more. This is enough. There does not need to be anything else. This is enough. Re-doing, always redesigning, re-doing, re-thinking how this would best serve myself and my readers. Sometimes I want to express some joy, sometimes I feel the real deep pain and anguish and then I want a style and design to represent that as well. But here today, I am wanting to express some joyful thoughts of spring coming in, of warmer weather, and of the smell of grass emerging from the damp wet dirt of spring. Ahhh how nice it will feel to walk outside on that one morning of the year- that one moment when I have that delightful surprise of spring…when I am taken back for a second with the sensation that I have actually survived yet another Wisconsin winter, and ahhh…it is springtime again, the sun is warm and I have a moment to decide, do I run back in the house and change into something more suitable for the warm day, or do I just head out and hope to survive being too overdress for the new day! Welcome to my new blog! Come on in and have some tea, look around and join me in some discussion, some thoughts and some laughter! Cheryl Owner and Head Coach |
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